


Broken, but (Tell me) I Still Have You

by MidnightRavenFromTheClock



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bad Parenting, Ben just wants to help, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Ghosts, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Panic Attacks, Sad, Self-Hatred, Sibling Love, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 16:57:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17922734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightRavenFromTheClock/pseuds/MidnightRavenFromTheClock
Summary: Ben dies and it's so fucking selfish, but Klaus is terrified of seeing him.Klaus knows what the dead are like.





	Broken, but (Tell me) I Still Have You

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with another story! I love the dynamic between Klaus and Ben and I'm basically stalking AO3 for new stories exploring it. Why can Klaus see him when he's high? Why is Ben different from the other ghosts we see? Also it's kind of ironic when you consider Klaus is scared of the ghosts.

_Klaus-_

Klaus was 15 when he realized he could keep the dead out. He was 17 when he stopped letting them back in. Diego called it poison, Klaus called it getting through the day. The dead weren’t a friendly kind, the ones that stayed were hurt and angry and violent. Soaked in their own blood and rotting, they could never tell the difference between Klaus and their own personal demons.

_Klaus…_

Nights were the worst, cliché – they liked to hide in the dark. The drugs were the cure, it wasn’t perfect but it worked, for a little while Klaus let himself believe he had it figured out.

No amount of drugs could’ve prepared Klaus for _that night_.

* * *

He jerked in bed, gasping and covered in sweat, a name on the tip of his tongue. He threw the covers off because they were too constricting, and instantly regretted it when his body started to shiver.

The dark was imposing, moving in like a living thing. He’d gotten so confident with the drugs he’d started sleeping with the lights off, now Klaus was cursing himself for it.

He stared ahead, frozen except for the uncontrollable shivering. He didn’t dare move for the light switch, nor for the discarded covers and he certainly didn’t dare call out. He thought he probably should, but-

No, no. Just- _No_.

Very slowly Klaus laid back down and closed his eyes, clinging to the fading numbness of the pills he’d taken that evening. Maybe tomorrow the world would make sense.

_Klaus!_

_…_

_I’m still here._

* * *

The four of them were standing around the new statue in silence. Dad hadn’t stayed after the ceremony and Vanya retreated soon after. Mom only smiled and said she’d go make pancakes.

It’s been two weeks since Ben died, and it already felt like a lifetime.

“Did you-” Luther cleared his throat. “I mean, you should try again.”

Usually Klaus loved being the center of attention, but today he was shifting in discomfort under their gazes. He wished he could disappear like Five had… and now Ben. “I have.”

“If you stopped taking that poison for more than five minutes maybe you could actually talk to him.” Diego snapped.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Diego bristled. “Seems pretty simple to me. You’d summon him if you gave a damn.”

Klaus was no fighter, but at this moment he seriously considered punching Diego in the face. He needed more drugs, but he was low and he’d need to go looking for his dealer.

Klaus stormed off, he’d just need to dig into his emergency stash - his limbs were starting to shake, and Klaus figured today that could classify as an emergency.

“Klaus!” Allison uselessly called after him. He didn’t care.

He locked the door behind him and dug the plastic bag from under his bed, smiling in relief. Soon he’d be so numb he actually _might_ not give a damn-

No, that wasn’t right. Klaus cared. It was _because_ he cared that he was so terrified of seeing Ben… as wrong as that sounded. The very thought of seeing Ben like that - bloodied and torn apart, angry and confused. And that empty look they always seemed to have in their eyes, no drugs seemed to ever erase that look form Klaus’s mind.

Klaus didn’t think he could see Ben like that and come out with his sanity. It was so incredibly selfish, but the guilt only sent him further down into self-destruction.

“I’m sorry.” He said out loud, in case Ben was listening. Then he swallowed the pills.

* * *

It was exactly two months since Ben’s death and Klaus planed on spending the day very, very high. He might have taken too much because the world was swimming- no, Klaus was swimming. Tilting, drowning? Was it raining?

Ha!... But why was he laughing?

It must have been because he was free. Normal like poor little Vanya, what right did she have to complain? He wanted to keep this feeling forever! He turned to tell this to the guy swaying next to him-

Rough hands shoved him away. Belatedly Klaus realized he might have crashed his lips against the guy’s instead of talking. It seemed funny, so he laughed at the fist approaching his face.

Punches; pain; blood; pain; water? Water everywhere, he couldn’t breathe but he gasped anyway, adrenalin pushing through the high. He grew weaker…

Then there was darkness, and for once the world grew completely silent.

* * *

_Please, Klaus…_

Klaus woke with a violent cough, gasping for a good few minutes before he finally caught his breath. There was beeping, so loud he had to cover his ears. Groaning miserably, Klaus looked around the white room, quickly realizing he was in a hospital.

Now they would call dad. _Great_.

His stomach twisted without warning and he felt sick. God, was he in withdrawal? Just how long had he been out? The heart monitor grew more frantic. If he didn’t get a fix soon…

He might have passed out again, because when he opened his eyes next the room was dark. Klaus gulped, glancing at the dark corners of the room. He realized he was holding his breath because his abused lungs started burning, so he forced himself to breathe out.

The darkness shimmered across the room and Klaus gasped, whole-body tensing as he watched a figure appear. It stepped closer. Klaus flinched, preparing for all kinds of horrors, but not preparing for this.

Blood all over the right side of his face, soaking his clothes which poorly concealed injuries in the torso. _Jesus_ , it was shredded. He wished he could look away.

The ghost disappeared only to reappear beside the bed, face inches from Klaus’s, sending him scrambling backwards, almost falling out of the bed.

The ghost’s lips were moving, trying to form words but all Klaus could hear was static, along with moaning from somewhere in the hallway.

Klaus wanted to sob. Anything but this. He’d take every ghost on the planet if he didn’t have to see _this_. The way the ghost struggled to form legible words, the panic, the desperation and the pain radiating from his broken body.

And then the worst part – the ghost screamed. When the dead screamed it radiated through Klaus’s bones sand shook his entire body. And it echoed- echoed in his head until he thought he might go mad.

It was all he could do – Klaus screamed as well.

Even hours later, when the ghost was long gone Klaus was still curled up in the hospital bed, crying Ben’s name.

* * *

It was two months after the incident and Klaus hadn’t even glimpsed Ben since. Not even the few times he’d been sober and the dead had come crawling for him in the night - even then Ben was not among them.

Had he moved on? The thought was so terrible Klaus could barely stomach it. What if Klaus had blown his last chance to speak to Ben?

And then dad locked him in the mausoleum. He hadn’t been there in along time, and he hadn’t been denied access to drugs even longer. Klaus didn’t know how long he was there when the craving kicked in and the static started buzzing in his ears, making Klaus feel like his head might split in half. Then came the shadows. Outlines at first, they soon turned into recognizable forms – people with their skin rotten off.

Their voices mingled, rising and _rising_. He wanted to beg them to stop, but he’d learned a long time ago there was no bargaining with the dead, so he covered his ears and squeezed himself in the corner, trying to escape their reach. They still clawed, either not noticing or just not caring they couldn’t physically touch him. Well, they weren’t _supposed_ to be able to touch him, but each time one of their hands passed through Klaus’s skin it sent small shocks through his system, leaving painful aching in its wake.

God, he was cold. Were the dead cold? Maybe if dad kept him long enough he would find out.

One of the dead – a boy with a burned face crawled towards Klaus, reaching. And Klaus was already squeezed against the wall. His heart jumped, _there was nowhere to hide_. “No,” He whimpered, shaking his head frantically. “don’t.”

The boy’s hands passed through Klaus’s shoulders and the cold in his veins flashed into fire- _The boy’s mother… Haley… she’d left the stove on during the night. The boy could hear her screams over his own, and later he saw the way she held herself as they lowered his casket into the ground._

_F_ _or a terrible moment Klaus could tell how it felt like to have his skin melt off-_

Klaus came back to himself in a daze of agony and panic. _Was the air running out?_ He wanted to drag his hands over his face – to check it wasn’t burned, but his limbs were too heavy – they fell back to his knees.

“No, no, please.” He tried to say, the worlds scrambled even to his own ears. He curled into himself, even though he knew it wouldn’t protect him from the boy hovering over him - too close.

He bit his lip to stop the desperate scream bubbling in his chest – if he screamed they might do as well and Klaus woundn’t handle that. _Why was he still alive?_ Why had he though the drugs could protect him, when they were so easily taken away, reducing him to this, _again_? He cried silently. “There’s no escape…”

_Klaus…_

_Klaus._

Another presence, kneeling next to him. Klaus shrank further into himself with a pitiful whine. He couldn’t do it again, _God please_ not again.

_-okay. It’s okay. Klaus?_

The figure didn’t touch him, in fact it seemed to be keeping back. But that made no sense because the dead were never considerate. They only wanted to _take_ , because something had been taken from them. And Klaus knew this, so he stayed in the ball, eyes squeezed shut because it was better than seeing the mausoleum.

_Stay away. Leave him alone!_

He flinched, but that wasn’t directed at Klaus. He frowned, trying to piece the information together in his broken mind.

“Klaus?” The voice was cautious and… sad.

The ghost was closer now but still not touching, giving Klaus space and it finally made sense.

“Ben?” Klaus whispered, incredulous.

“I’m here.” Ben said with great relief. “You’re okay.”

It was something between a statement and a question, so Klaus only hummed in acknowledgment.

“Look at me.” Ben asked.

Klaus shook his head. “I can’t.” He said apologetically, and his heart constricted with guilt. He was a coward. _Séance_ \- Ha! He couldn’t even look at his own brother.

“Okay.” Ben sighed, although his voice was shaking. “Then just listen to me, _don’t_ listen to them.”

_How?_ He wanted to ask. The dead were still moaning and crawling… Klaus though he might never get out of there alive. “Pushy.” He said instead, trying to project some of his usual humor, although the words fell empty. “You know listening isn’t my forte.”

“I’m sorry Klaus.” Again, Ben’s voice was swimming with sadness, and guilt and _God_ Ben had no business with those emotions. Not when Klaus was the useless one - too afraid to live without the drugs.

“You don’t have to be _sorry_.” Klaus said, not daring to look, but uncurling enough so that he could turn to his brother and maybe fool Ben into thinking he wasn’t that broken.

“I do. I never knew, I thought- assumed they were just there, but I never imagined _this_. And dad- _Jesus_ , Klaus.” Ben choked off, hesitating. “And what happened at the hospital, I didn’t mean to do _that_.”

Klaus winced at the memory, thinking how he’d been so far gone he couldn’t even remember when Ben had disappeared. “It’s okay.” He mumbled, trying to forget the way Ben had looked, but the image was burned into his mind. “I shouldn’t have- have freaked-”

“No, Klaus, hey it’s okay. You’re okay.” Ben rushed.

Klaus realized he was curling into himself again, his breathing growing shallow. He couldn’t stop thinking about Ben covered in blood and gore, a corpse like the ones that have been haunting him as long as he could remember. Only this was so much worse, because it was _Ben_ and Ben was supposed to be _alive._

“Just breathe.” Ben coaxed, sounding miserable. He inched closer, then scrambled back because Klaus flinched.

Klaus cursed himself for falling apart in front of his brother. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled, struggling and failing to push down the panic. He was a screw-up, at least dad had gotten that part right.

“It’s okay. I’m not going to-” Ben cut off, hesitating for just a second and then saying the rest in a rush. “you _know_ I’d never hurt you, right?”

“Of course I know that Ben!” He said- _he lied._

Klaus trusted Ben _completely_ … but he’d also grown up thinking about the dead as not-people. He’d always thought of them as something (mostly hurt and anger) left behind once the person was gone. Because the ghosts had never looked or acted as _people_ , they’d never cared if Klaus was just a kid, scared and alone and unable to help. “I’m not afraid of you.” He said now, as if the idea was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard.

Ben sighed, giving Klaus the sense he didn’t believe him. “Are you calm? Focus on your breathing. Slower.”

Well, he wasn’t hyperventilating anymore and that was definitely a good sign. “You drown out the other voices.” He said out loud, because it was the truth, but also because he wanted to make up for something.

“Good. That’s good. How do you feel?”

He thought about it. “Tired.”

“I don’t suppose you can sleep?”

Klaus shuddered, thinking about the horrors that could follow him in his dreams.

“Okay, okay. Then you rest, and I’ll just keep talking. Just keep focusing on me.”

“Okay.” Klaus said. He was so tired and Ben sounded so real and alive. So, he dozed off, listening as Ben started talking about his favorite books.

* * *

Klaus was curled up in bed, all the lights on. When dad had finally unlocked the door Pogo had half carried Klaus to his room, murmuring empty assurances. Klaus would have liked to get drugged out of his mind then, but dad had found most of his stash, leaving Klaus stuck with only a few pills until he could drag himself to his dealer. It was enough to silence the ghosts, but he was still aware of them, waiting for a chance to torment him.

“Klaus.” The voice came from behind, unbelievably gentle but Klaus still jumped.

“Jesus don’t sneak up on people.” He exclaimed lightly.

“I try.”

Ben didn’t move closer and Klaus dreaded turning around and breaking the illusion, so they stayed like that – Klaus sitting on the bed and Ben standing across the room behind him.

“How are you?”

“I’m _great_ , enjoying the high and all that.”

“Klaus.” Ben’s voice was serious and far too worried.

“It’s hardly the first time I’ve been in there. I’ll be fine.”

“Don’t let him do that to you again, Klaus. You’re almost 18, you can leave.”

Klaus chuckled dryly. “I think you overestimate my self-preservation skills.” He frowned. “How are you even here?”

“You’re not that high…”

“ _Ah_ , I knew I needed more, but dad went through the-”

“and I wanted to say goodbye.”

Klaus froze. “ _What?_ ”

And Ben took a single step closer. “I won’t be like the rest of them, haunting you and forcing you to rely on drugs.”

“Ben-”

“If I could I’d take the rest of them with me, but… this is all I can do.” Ben’s voice shook, and Klaus realized he actually meant what he was saying. “I won’t come back again.”

“That’s not what I want!”

“Klaus, it’s okay.” Ben said. “I’d be afraid of me too.”

No, no, no… Klaus did this because he was a coward and now Ben was going to disappear forever. He couldn’t let that happen, so he steeled himself and turned around.

They stared at each other - Ben sheepishly, like he didn’t know what to do with himself and Klaus with surprise. Ben looked better. Not like when he was alive, but the wounds were smaller, the blood less pronounced. “Are you… healing?”

Ben looked down at himself. “I…”

“You look better.”

“I do?”

Klaus frowned. “Is that usual?”

“Shouldn’t you know that?” Ben asked exasperated, then sighed. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, because either way you’re not going anywhere. What are you gonna do, haunt the supermarket?” He breathed, if he wanted to keep Ben he’d need to be honest. So, he dropped the humor and looked Ben in the eyes. “I know I’m a screw-up, but I don’t understand why you want to leave when I’m the only one who can see you.”

“Klaus, I already caused you at least two panic attacks.” Ben said and suddenly Klaus understood. Just like in life, Ben thought he was some kind of monster. And it was all Klaus’s fault. He considered lying again, saying he was completely fine conversing with his dead brother’s ghost… but Ben deserved better than that.

So, Klaus stood up and approached Ben, who looked surprised. “Do you really think I’ll be okay with seeing them if you leave?”

“You’ll have one less ghost to worry about.”

“You mean the one ghost who actually wants to help me?” He pointed out, relaxing when Ben frowned because he must have been doing something right. “I’m obviously a mess, and this will take some getting used to. But… I wouldn’t have survived that mausoleum if you hadn’t showed up.”

Ben winced and opened his mouth to argue but stopped when he saw the look in Klaus’s eyes. “You _really_ want me to stay?” He asked staring intently because he needed to know if Klaus meant it.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “I can’t promise I won’t freak out again, but… I need you. And I know I’m not this great medium,” He gestured. “but I think maybe you need me too. Otherwise you’ll just be wondering alone, like _they_ do.”

And for the first time since his death, Ben smiled. “I guess we’re stuck with each other then.”


End file.
